I’m 28 years old and work as an engineer, earning $120,000 including super. I live with my partner who works as a teacher and earns $83,000 including super. We’ve been living together for two years now in a rental. We split our household expenses proportional to income but have our own savings accounts.

We’re saving up to buy a house and have set a goal to save for a deposit. I’ve got a set amount I put aside as soon as I get paid, but my partner saves more erratically. She also spends far more than I do and I don’t really understand a lot of her spending decisions. I don’t want to tell her how she should spend her money, but I’m worried that we’re not putting in equal effort into our goal of buying a house. How do I talk to my partner about this without it coming across as an attack?

• Anonymous

Hey Anonymous, 

Some people live for the now and others want to save for a rainy day. And more often than not, they meet and fall in love. 

Talking about money with your partner for the first time can feel like the most awkward thing you can do.

Almost as awkward as meeting your partner's parents for the first time.

But it gets easier with each conversation.

Firstly, it’s great to see yourself and your partner having set joint goals together, but it sounds like you may have skipped a step in your financial journey as a couple.

Have the two of you sat down to discuss your money mindsets and the role money plays in your lives?

Wait, what’s a money mindset?

Your money mindset is your beliefs and attitudes towards money. It drives your day to day decisions about how you save, spend, and handle money.

And this mindset is shaped by your money story - aka the narrative you tell yourself about your finances.

Money story → money mindset → your daily money decisions

If you and your partner have never sat down to discuss your money story, it can be really difficult to understand each other's sometimes-erratic financial behaviours.

It’s worth setting some time aside when you’re both relaxed, and ready to have the conversation. Get some snacks and drinks too.

Here are a few insightful questions you can ask each other:

Upbringing:

• How was money handled in your household growing up?
• How was money talked about in your household growing up?
• Were there different financial expectations for different people in your family?
• Did particular people in your family influence your money story?

Values:

• In what way does money add to your quality of life?
• Do you think of money as good or bad?
• What does the term ‘luxury purchase’ mean to you?

Current situation and goals:

• Do you know how much money, assets, debt you currently have?
• Are you comfortable with your contribution to household finances and financial decisions?
• How satisfied are you with your current financial situation?
• How positive do you feel about achieving your financial goals?

Working through these questions might help you contextualise your partners spending decisions, especially as you’ve said that’s something you struggle to understand. 

It’ll also help your partner more deeply understand your drive to save.

Your money story is shaped by things outside of your control, but the best part is, once you become aware of it, you can take control of it and shape it for the future you want.

In your case Anonymous, sharing money stories might be the first step in helping both you and your partner empathise with how each of you spend and save money.

And, if one of you is a saver and the other a spender, it doesn’t mean game over. In fact, it can even be a good way to balance each other out in the relationship.

So once you’ve had a chance to understand each other's money mindsets, the next step is to be on the same page with your financial goals.

You’re saving to buy a house. Cool.

Given you two have different approaches to your money, how will you work towards this goal?

We’ve got a couple of suggestions.

1. Break your goal down into smaller chunks

A house deposit is a massive undertaking, and it can sometimes feel like you're not putting a dent in your savings goal despite all your efforts.

Split your goal into smaller chunks with time frames to give yourself more milestones throughout the journey to reward yourself.

You could set a monthly goal or a quarterly goal and treat yourselves to a nice date night at each milestone.

2. Set yourself a splurge budget

Having independence over your money is essential, and when you’re sharing money with a partner, you’ve got to make extra room for that independence.

One way to do that is to set a “splurge budget” for each of you. 

According to the 50/30/20 rule, we recommend putting 30% of your income aside for wants. 

But this amount might be different for your personal circumstances.

Think: a new bag, unnecessary-iPhone-upgrade or ticket to the Whitsundays.

If you can squeeze it into your wants, then you don’t have to justify to your partner, and your partner doesn’t need to justify to you. 

But having a limit on how much splurge money you’ve got helps you make sure you’re still keeping on track with your long-term financial goals.

3. Keep checking in

At the end of the day, despite your differing approaches to money, if you both genuinely want to achieve the same goal, you will make it work.

But, you’ve got to keep checking in with each other, and have open and honest conversations about how you’re feeling about money.

To make it easy for you, jump into the Flux Money Check-In Tool at least once a month for a financial check-in.

All the best Anonymous!

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